Gus's Edition · 23-page PDF · $5
The Caddie's Book of Needles
A hundred things to say on the golf course, the twenty classic caddie replies, thirty clubhouse stories told slow, the true ones nobody believes, and three pages for after dark. Organised by when to use them, because timing is the whole joke.
Instant download. Delivered by email too, so you never lose it.
Forty years on the bag. Never laughs at his own line.
Six from the book
A needle has a receipt, not an adjective
“Nice lag.”
He's left a four-footer a foot short. Do not smile.
“Take your time with these next two.”
Planted while he's over a three-footer.
“Are you breathing in or out during your swing?”
Before the overthinker's shot. Then walk away. He's done for the day.
“Right club. Wrong golfer.”
Any mishit that somehow finishes fine.
“A gimme is an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt.”
"That's good" from four feet.
“What's your handicap?”
"My wife." From the after-dark pages.
From part two
Things an auld caddie said
“I'm going to drown myself in that lake.”
“I doubt you could keep your head down that long, sir.”
“You must be the worst caddie in the world.”
“I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
“Can I get there with a five-iron?”
“Eventually.”
Twenty-two more in the book, plus the two from Lahinch and Turnberry we can't print on this page.
What's in the twenty-three pages
- Foreword
A word before you say anything
Gus on the four funny men he ever carried for, and the ten rules of the needle: flat, once, at the right time, then go find your ball.
- Part one
A hundred needles, by situation
After a shank. After a whiff. The three-putt. Over water. The sandbagger, the slow group, all-the-gear, the practice-swing man, mulligans, the bar, the wife, and the nineteenth hole.
- Part two
The caddie replies
The deadpan two-beat answers every caddie yard in Scotland and Ireland claims as its own. "It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass." Plus the five the yards don't print.
- Part three
Thirty clubhouse stories
Told slow, the way Gus tells them: the funeral procession, drag Charlie, golf in Hell, the genie, Jesus and Arnold Palmer, what'd you shoot, the pine tree, Fred Brown died.
- Part four
The true ones
Three pages on the record: Alfie's seven-iron at Turnberry, Tip Anderson, Bruce Edwards at Pebble, the Lahinch Dell racket, Paddy's rangefinder, Trap Door Willie, Stacy Keach's shoes.
- Part five
After dark
Three pages for the back of the van. The bee sting, your honour, nine o'clock, the top drawer, still under the cart. Nobody says the word in any of them.
Less than the tip you'll owe when one of these lands.
Not sure yet?
Read four pages free
A dozen needles, four stories, and the rule that makes them work. Sent to your inbox.
One email with the sampler, one follow-up. No spam. Unsubscribe any time.
Questions
What do I get for five dollars?
A 23-page PDF, delivered instantly and by email. A hundred needles organised by when to use them, the caddie replies, thirty clubhouse stories, eighteen true caddie stories, and three after-dark pages. Print it once and keep it in the bag.
Is there a free version?
Yes. Enter your email and a four-page sampler is sent to your inbox: a dozen needles, four stories, and the rule that makes them work. One delivery email and one follow-up, then nothing unless you use one of our tools.
How clean are the jokes?
Parts one to four run PG-13. Part five is the after-dark section: three pages of the blue ones, told the old way, where nobody says the word and you work it out yourself. There is nothing racist in the book and nothing about anyone real.
Are the caddie stories true?
Part four is on the record: Watson and Alfie Fyles at Turnberry 1977, Hogan and Cecil Timms at Carnoustie 1953, Max Faulkner's caddie at Portrush 1951, Palmer and Tip Anderson at St Andrews 1960, the Lahinch Dell, and the 2020 Bandon caddie fund. The clubhouse stories are folklore and we say so.
Who is Gus?
The caddie who tells one a day on Fairway Field Guide's Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. Forty years on the bag. He tells a joke the way he reads a putt: flat, unhurried, and he never laughs at his own line.
Planning a golf trip? The same site has a free Bandon Dunes trip calculator and the first-timer's guide.