The print edition · Pre-order · Ships first week of December
The Caddie's Book of Needles
Gus's joke book, as a real book. A hundred things to say on the golf course, the caddie replies, thirty-five clubhouse stories, the true ones, and the pages for after dark.
For the man in your foursome who has one for everybody. From $19.95, shipping included.
Pre-order. Charged today, reserved in the first print run, ships to a US address the first week of December. Full refund any time before it ships. You get the PDF edition today.
Cover shown is the working cover. The printed one is being set now.
Why a book
Nobody has ever wrapped a PDF
Every foursome has one. The man who has a line for your shank, your three-putt and your new driver, and has never once been short of one. This is his book. It lives in the side pocket with the tees, it gets passed round the bar, and it gets quoted back at him for a year.
Member-guest partner. Buddies-trip organiser. Father, son, brother-in-law. The one who always drives the cart. If you know the man, you already know which page he'll read first.
Three from the book
A needle has a receipt, not an adjective
“Nice lag.”
He's left a four-footer a foot short. Do not smile.
“Right club. Wrong golfer.”
Any mishit that somehow finishes fine.
“Can I get there with a five-iron?”
"Eventually." One of the twenty caddie replies.
Ninety-seven more, filed by the moment you'll need them.
What's between the covers
- Foreword
A word before you say anything
The ten rules of the needle: flat, once, at the right time, then go find your ball.
- Part one
A hundred needles, by situation
After a shank, after a whiff, the three-putt, over water, the sandbagger, the slow group, all-the-gear, mulligans, the bar, the wife, the nineteenth hole.
- Part two
The caddie replies
The deadpan answers every caddie yard in Scotland and Ireland claims as its own, plus the five the yards don't print.
- Part three
Thirty-five clubhouse stories
Told slow, the way Gus tells them. The funeral procession. Drag Charlie. Golf in Hell. What'd you shoot.
- Part four
The true ones
Twenty-five on the record: Alfie's seven-iron at Turnberry, Tip Anderson, Bruce Edwards at Pebble, the Lahinch Dell, Trap Door Willie.
- Part five
After dark
For the back of the van. The bee sting, your honour, nine o'clock, the top drawer. Nobody says the word in any of them.
- Last page
This book belongs to
A page to write who it's for and what he did to deserve it. The hardcover gets a second one, for the man who gave it.
How the pre-order works
- NowPre-order. Your card is charged today and your copy is reserved in the first print run.
- NovemberGus signs off the pages, the book goes to the printer, and you get the PDF edition to read in the meantime.
- First week of DecemberBooks ship. You get a tracking email the day yours leaves.
- December 12Last day to order for Christmas delivery in the US.
Reserve his copy
First print run. Ships the first week of December. Order by December 12 for Christmas.
Just want the twenty-three-page PDF tonight? Gus's Edition is five dollars.
Questions
Is this the same as the $5 PDF?
Same bank of needles, a good deal more of it. The PDF is twenty-three pages. The print edition carries every needle, every reply, thirty-five stories, twenty-five true ones and the after-dark pages, set properly for a 6 by 9 book. Pre-order buyers get the PDF today as well.
When does it ship?
The first week of December 2026, to the US address you give at checkout. Order by December 12 and it is under the tree. Shipping inside the US is included in the price.
What if it's late, or I change my mind?
Reply to your order email any time before the book ships and we refund you in full, no questions. If we miss the Christmas date on an order placed by December 12, we refund the whole thing and you keep the book when it lands.
Paperback or hardcover?
Same pages. The paperback is the one you keep in the bag. The hardcover is case-bound with a dust jacket and the extra gift page, and it is the one you wrap.
How clean is it?
Parts one to four run PG-13. Part five is the after-dark section, told the old way, where nobody says the word and you work it out yourself. Nothing racist, nothing about anyone real.
Who is Gus?
The caddie who tells one a day on Fairway Field Guide's Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. Forty years on the bag. Never laughs at his own line.